ForeiGner's yaWp

I am and always have been a liberal. In a European sense. I like riGhts. RiGhts of all sorts. Especially human riGhts. But we liberals don't stop tHere. We extend tHem to animals, enviroNment, perhaps even roCks and hay. But tHat is not my main concern right now.My concern is quite particular.
I came to tHis fair land some five years ago. Before tHat I have studied tHis fair language for 15 years. It is a very easy-going, tolerant language in one way. I do appreciate tHat it does not conjugate to oblivion or fuss with future and past tenses like some languages (I sHall not name). However, as a riGhts activist, I cannot remain silent any longer. THere are disparities crying to hiGh heavens. THere is pliGHt, backstabbing, a full out war in tHe EnglisH alpHabet! THe most ignored and unreported open and violent conflict, and it has been raging for centuries.
It all started with tHe 'k'. Whoever snuCk the silent 'k' into EnglisH language, was a cruel conniving brute. Somebody sHould have WhaCked him on his Knees and KnuCkles before he was able to finisH tHe deed. WHat an outrage. WHat a blatant discrimination of a consonant. It sHouLd riGhtfully be pronounced [knees]not [nees] and [knutskles], not [nukls]. How wouLd you feel if you were left out all tHe time? And that is not all. 'C' has been antagonistic against 'K' from tHe beginning of time. It sneaks, creeps and craWls its way in and poses around sounding just like a 'K'. Naturally, tHis leads to resentment and vengeance. How many times have you seen a 'c' kiCked out, tHrusted out of pronounciation by bitter 'k'. Well, [kitskd] out, really. THat's wHat happens wHen you don't sound out your consonants. 'K' in 'KnoCk' is obiously offended by blatant ignorance of its presence, being sHunned from tHe beginning of tHe word. It resorts to usurping tHe spotliGHt at tHe end, KnoCking the 'c' riGht out of 'knock'. 'C' tHen, receding into baCkground, takes it out on notHing suspecting 'S', trying to mess witH our perCeption of sounds. We know you, 'C'! You are a cowardly damNed impostor. It sHould eitHer be read as [retseding], or spelled as 'reseding. This does not constitute good neiGhborly relations at all. It leads to a vicious spiral spinning out of control. 'W', 'T' and 'S' became a sHame of tHe alpHabet, dominating tHe defenseless 'H'. No wonder 'H' souGht allies. 'P' and 'H' have ofTen been seen ganGing up on 'F'. Outright PHallacy! And I couLd go on and on. Letters are Gnawing and tHrasHing at each otHer, forming bloCking alliancies. Often a letter will double its presence in a word for no good reason, a cheap tiCket to fame.
We sHould put a stop to tHis. WHat for? Some wouLd say: "let's just ban the misbehaving letters. THrow tHem all out!" But punisHment, my friends, does not lead to reconciliation. It would swiTch into a war of all against all. Litera literi lupus, as Hobbes wouLd say. We need to bring reason and understanding into tHe alpHabet.
WHat can you do to help, you ask? THat is simple:
Become a mediator! Spread tHe word to oThers. Educate masses about tHe pliGht of tHe alpHabet. Bring tHe consonants back into pronounciation! I suggest we take one letter at a time. Say Three times fast: "KnaCky Knights of KnoWleDge Kneel on KnuCkles of Knot-headed knaves! KnauGhty Knaves!" Ooops, do not get carried away. We would not want to be accused of extremism and tom-foolery of course.
We sHall wiThstand, we sHall overcome!