Sunday, August 13, 2006

Indian Diary of a Worldly and Streetsmart Traveler No. 3

August 13, 2006.

I am sitting on a train, on the way to Newark to catch my flight to Delhi. I am typing up a training manual for young business school students who are involved in a student group studying causes of communal violence and prevention of open conflict. My mind is stuck in an analytical mode. It’s a lot of ‘how tos’ ‘what to do whens’… While writing, I noticed a guy across the isle and decided to write a manual about him. He’s a busy one, fidgeting about, doing this and that, thus providing me with a lot of material for observation. My neighbor (ugly pimpled little shrimp, must be a virgin still) is writing a porn story about some Lie “getting plowed [sic!] from behind”, thus I need to do everything in my power to stay focused on my screen. Shudder.

WORLDLY AND STREETSMART TRAVELER’S GUIDE TO SPOTTING A TRAVELER FROM CAPE COD:
To determine whether or not the subject of your observation is indeed returning from Cape Cod, you will need to focus on the following:
1) Appearance and behavior
2) Edible items
3) Print material

1) Appearance and behavior:
1a) The Cape Cod returnee would be clad in casual summery items. He may be wearing khaki pants of a light coloring, white sneakers or flip flops. In latter case try to discern whether the subject has sand stuck to his toes. Fingernails may be dirty, unless the subject has OCD and cleans nails compulsively (please refer to the section 1b) on OCD spotting below). The t-shirt may depict a crab or somesuch sea creature. Over the t-shirt, the subject just might wear a linen blue and white checkered suit. If accompanying by wife, she, too, will be wearing a linen suit. They will be very clean and stiff looking.

1b) OCD spotting:
It might be of essential importance to determine whether the subject is OCD as that is a variable that has to be factored into the formula in order to avoid data pollution. OCD subject will most likely be brightly clean. He will stand up and sit down repeatedly to check his back pocket. If the subject is carrying a live lobster in a paper bag, he will also check on the lobster every five seconds and talk to it softly. Subject will leaf through the paper a few times before he starts reading it and he will make sure each page is neatly and appropriately folded. Then he will stand up a few times to check his back pocket again. Such subject will have clean toenails even if returning from Cape Cod (refer to section 1a) for details).

2) Edible items:
- Oyster crackers. Lots of them. Everywhere. Loud.
- Clam chowder. Smelly. Annoying. Spilling on neighbor who apparently finds that annoying as well.
- Live lobster. Really. Subject may prance around with it, taking it to the café coach for unfathomable reasons (To have it cooked? To have it put in water or fridge?), then come back and peak into the lobster’s paper bag and talk at it every now and then.

3) Print material:
Provincetown Magazine.
Post cards from Provincetown.
Whale watch leaflets from Provincetown. Subject will be waving them around ostentatiously while talking to spouse in animated fashion so as not to leave one soul behind and unaware that the subject has seen live whales recently. La-de-da.


If your subject scores highly on at least two out of the three items listed above, he is most likely coming from a vacation in Provincetown. The sooner you acknowledge this and pretend to be envious, the better will your chances be of him giving it up and leaving everybody alone.

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