Saturday, October 04, 2008
The Church of the Bad Omen
I was running late. As always. I was also sickly, but no matter. This stubborn goat decided to go biking and canoeing (or was it kayaking?) in Amsterdamse Bos (the "forest," though it really is a pimped park). Five minutes into my ride to the train station, my water bottle holder broke off and landed on the ground. That's a sign straight from heaven or hell, whichever has these things in their immediate jurisdiction. By the time I affixed it back onto the bicycle, and made it to the platform, it was five minutes before 1pm. My group - the Netherlands Adventurists - were meeting in five minutes at the gates of Amsterdamse Bos. I called V. to tell him not to wait, I'll be late.
The train that was supposed to bring me to Schiphol did not come. "Defect...something something ...all in Dutch of course". I should have taken my cues and head home. No. Mutton head.
I and my bike have schlepped each other along clumsily on local trains through Leiden... I never know how to fit into the train with my bike and not be in the way of others. I knocked another bike down, stabbed a lady with the brake handles, smeared bike grease all over my new pants (which had to be worn, since they were, you know. new.)
I got of at Schiphol, which is a very large airport. I felt a little silly there, pushing my bike around fashion shops and food stands. I walk outside, no idea how to get the hell out of this jungle by bike. But, amazingly (not in the Netherlands, just anywhere else), a bike path begins RIGHT at the airport. 6km to Amsterdamse Bos. I get there, try to call V., but he's not picking up. Omen upon omen. I wait. Try again, nothing. I decide to bike through the Bos a bit, it's so lovely outside, and then maybe bike all the way back to the Hague or something, we'll see. I tried V. one more time, and this time I got him. They just rented canoes (or kayaks?) and were headed out for about an hour.
Great! I'll catch up with them. I kept getting lost, since all the signs consist of at least 25 unpronouncable letters, but I found it. I had no cash. Omenomenomen. But, the lady suggested I can borrow some from my friends once I find them. Sure, the inner dimwit agreed with glee. The lady did NOT suggest that I leave my bag with her, nor did she give me a waterproof plastic bag like she apparently did to everyone else. No matter. I am a street-smart worldly traveler, surely I can navigate a silly solo canoe (or kayak?). I squeeze myself in, stuff my bag between my knees towards the nose of the canoeyak. On we go. Wee!
I paddle something fierce. I am so good at this, slicing through water like knife through buttah. Sun is glistening and jumping off the ripples in the water, so I bust out my trusty old camera and snap away. There is a big furry bird up on the tree and I try to zoom in as much as I can before it flies away. Snap....snap...and....oops! There's a tree right ahead of me. I veered too close to the bank. No matter, I am a street-smart worldly, and strong, traveler, few fierce strokes with my paddle and I'll be out on the open water again.
Another thing that the lady did not tell me is how unstable the solo canoeyak is. Two fierce strokes and I felt the center of my gravity was dangerously leaning to the right. It felt like it was all in slow motion, and suddenly the world was surprisingly wet and cold. I am frantically thrashing about with my arms, dog paddling but failing, sputtering water all about in a bit of a shock. I latch onto the canoeyak and try to turn it around and haul myself in....this is of course utterly futile.
A lovely Dutch couple pedals by on their water bicycle.
"Are you alright?" they ask.
I am utterly startled. My posessions are swimming in an area of 20 square meters, I am up to my neck in muddy cold water looking rather insane.... do I LOOK alright?!?!
"No, I am NOT alright. I think I need help," say I.
"Can you swim?" the lady part of the couple asks.
...at this point I am genuinely pissed off. YOU get into this water and look suave, you daft cow, think I.
"Yes, of course I can swim," say I.
The man part of the couple suggests I try climbing onto their bicycle and off of it into the water filled canoeyak. That is not working, since when I try to climb on, the bicycle tilts and starts to drown. He asks me to get off and suggests that I swim to the shore. They leave. They pedal off while I'm still in the middle of the bloody river thrashing about and choking on water.
Count to five, slowly. There is mud beneath. It is gross, but I stand in it. I sink into it upto my thighs. Brrrr. I drag the caneoyak to the shore, relieved to see my bag still in it. But my digital camera and my beloved Nieman Foundation sweatshirt are gone.
It's a good thing I didn't die, that would be bloody expensive! I think. I am not insured yet, or at least don't have any papers about it yet.
When on the shore, I tip the canoeyak upside down, as well as my bag. I pace back and forth, still furious at the couple. I check my digital arsenal.
"There is no response from phone," my phone says, but at least there is something on the screen. The iPod is just dead. You can see water inside.
I undress, I so don't care if the Queen herself paddles by right now. I wring out my t-shirt and pants. Sanity assembled back, I push myself into the canoe and canoe back into the water and launch successfully. I look like Hell and I smell worse.
The highligh of the trip were praises from the rental people at my calmness and level-headedness. But, what am I gonna do...we worldly street-smart travelers don't cry and stomp our foot in front of the populace.
I meet my group. All of them (Sixteen, count'em) for the first time in my life, except for V. After about an hour of perfectly ineffective attempt to dry in the sun I excuse myself and head home. Bike, train, bike.... 3 hours since the refreshing dip, I finally get into a hot shower and wash the fishes away. My bag still smells of the mud when it rains.
I really trully pledge to pay attention to bad omens and heed the advice of the higher powers, working tirelessly to guide us despite our blindness and deafness towards them.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I could have loved you like a planet
Well, that's Replacements, now stuck in my head semi-permanently, for good reason probably. It really does not matter at all... I could have loved Cambridge like a planet, and I did, I did. But I picked up my room and plopped it into The Hague. When I look around, it looks almost the same, the same laptop on my knees, except my musically inclined housemate whistles when walking down the stairs, producing new sounds (that jolt me out of the bed and stand at the ready to defend myself before i remember he's just whistling/humming/singing....i don't get the emo stuff, always sounds like an injured wailing banshee to me). And when I walk outside...well, I don't walk outside. I get on my bike and pedal around... And streets are streets... could be almost anywhere. Except here you have to navigate through a sea of bikers, many of them are carrying large obtrusive objects, talk on the cell phone and smoke at the same time.
And all the Europe stuff.... old buildings and cobblestones....all mostly obstacles, from a biker's perspective. For a land of bikers, there's way too many cobblestones. From The Hague all the way to Leiden. My brain is still shaking three days later.
Though I do wish to be able to walk out to my old living room, and knit while sipping an IPA and moving the TV about the room to catch a grainy episode of Seinfeld.
Here I can drink any beer and watch any of 1,000 channels on our cable TV. Where's the fun in that?
Friday, July 25, 2008
All things material, be gone!
This is not gonna be easy.
I'm moving to The Hague. And if I defend my bloody dissertation before I go, I'll even be excited. In the meantime, I am trying to Reduce Everything. I started a big trash bag in the middle of my room, thinking I'll just throw in it everything I don't need, mercilessly. Off it will go to the Good Will. It now sports an old bike helmet with a torn off strap and a hair dryer with a torn off switch (a pattern?). Nothing more.... Unacceptable.
Meanwhile I am trying to decide if I want a gemeuvemefeldet apartment (or whatever) or whether that might be a bad thing, trying to see through the photos of various studios and apartments online whether I'll feel at home there.
Thus the journey begins.
Oh yes. The dissertation defense first. Meh.
Oooh, found a pen that doesn't work! Off to the trash bag! There is hope.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
"It's all downhill from now..."
Anyway, so many expressions have almost the opposite meaning than they logically should have.
"It's all but done".... Well, my imagination suggests that it was left alone, swept under the rug, delegated to someone else who died a sudden and gruesome death... it suggests many things except for "it's almost done".
And the good old "horrible" and "horrific" - both a bad thing.... and "terrible" and "terrific" suddenly being quite the opposite of one another. Gah! I think it's a plot against the foreigners really. Nobody likes us.
I shall not be subdued. I will follow my common sense and use the words as I deem fit. Even if people will think I went off the deep end (not sure where or why).
Saturday, June 21, 2008
For all the fish in the ocean
"I'm just gonna relax," I say to myself.
But I know it's coming. Oh I know it's coming!
"Don't be silly, you know it's perfectly harmless! It's good for you, actually!"
Yes I know, but I don't really care to be all that rational right now. It's coming, it's coming!
I pull my knees to my chin and hug them close. I close my eyes in anticipation.
"If you last five rounds, you will feel so good. You'll see. You know it's true. You will not be in pain tomorrow after the today's boxing session. And the weights, you overdid it again. Just hang in here."
Whatever, I could just do sauna, in fact I think I'm gonna go right now, it's just nextdoor...
"No you don't!!! Sit down. You're gonna chicken out for a bit of fog?! Shame on you!"
Ohhhh why do I ever listen to you, OK, I'll sit....let's just be done with this.
Then it comes, sudden explosion of sound and steam.
PhhssssssSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My heart starts thumping and I feel goosebumps all over. My limbs turn heavy and weak.
This is what it felt like when they released CycloneB at the prisoners in concentration camps, this is exactly it! Why do I trust complete strangers at some random sports club? This steam could be anything! In fact I think I'm suffocating! This is it, I'm getting out!
"Of fer crying out loud! You trust them because you pay them 100 dollars a month, stupid. They would all rot in jail long ago. People do this all the time. You know it's great for exfoliation!"
I so don't care right now about some exfoliation! My life is in jeopardy here!
"Oh yes you do. You say you don't, but of course you do. Besides, exfoliation diminishes the risk of cancer, did you know that?"
Of course I know! I can exfoliate some other way and certainly someplace else.
"Oh yeah? You're gonna buy the fancy exfoliating shower gel with plastic beads? You do know that they don't disintegrate. You do know they go through all the filters and all the way into the ocean and fish choke on them because they are exactly the same size as plankton."
What? So I'm here because of the fish? This is insane. You are insane!
PfhsssssssSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Yikes.
"See? that was not nearly as scary as the first one. You even enjoy it, I know you."
Well it is less terrible, I admit. And skin is pealing off of me in droves. I'm gonna have a baby back, yes I will, yes I will. But it's hot and I've been here for hours, this cannot be healthy, I'll probably just die of a heart attack. In fact I'm a littl queasy alredy.
"Well if you stop fidgeting and just give it a chance. Lie down or something."
OK, I'll give you one more round, just because I was such a chicken.
PfhhsssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hey.
"What?"
Nothing. It's OK. I'm a little thirsty and hot, but I do admit that you were right. This is relaxing.
"Well I'm a little thirsty myself."
You know, we have a cold cold IPA in the fridge at home. Can you see its golden gleam? Can you see the condensed pearls of sweat on the bottle? Can you hear the cap popping open and the fizzing of the beer out of the bottle?"
"Yeah. I can hear that."
It's been almost three rounds. Are we good? I promise the next time I'll last five. Why, even tomorrow if you want.
"OK. Let's bail."
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Talk to our friendly employees and do check our website!
Upon my return to Boston, I started an immensely entertaining conversation with the First Capital Connect.
I emailed them to complain that a) the information I got from their website was incorrect, and that b) their employees have mislead me three times, sending me to wrong stations and giving me bad information. I wrote a long detailed treatise about what happened step by step, minute by minute, and how much it ended up costing me.
This is the gem of a response I received:
We recommend that customers always check their journey times with National Rail Enquiries on 08457 484950 before travel as timetables can change at short notice. Alternatively journey details can be checked on the internet at www.nationalrail.co.uk... The stations teams at manned stations are always happy to provide assistance with any enquiries.
Brilliant. They advise me to check their website and talk to their friendly employees. I knew it. I shouldn't have been so excited about the new job. The Happy Goat fate got me good this time.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Lemuralia, the day of the Larvae
It's also the day when I officially become wiser and more respectable each year. Just my luck to share this day with larvae. Throw some beans over your shoulder for me... Or have a burrito.
Monday, May 12, 2008
One little, two little, three little cockroaches
Another repost, as I have been treacherously blogging elsewhere for some time...
Hyderabad, 2007
I am attempting to upload something to my work website for umpteenth time, when electricity goes out again. I should have known. It's 4pm, it happens at around that time every day. Everything you're working on is guzzled by the innards of the computer, never to be released again. I try again after it comes back, everything takes forever, it's like swimming in molasses. Not that there's anything wrong with swimming in molasses if that's what you like. By 8pm I give up, I am also hungry as hell, and there's not much to be had in the dorm cafeteria- I should have come earlier. Florina talks me into going out to eat. Fine. Yay even.
We set out, walking against traffic on a dusty road. Why no sidewalks? Oh, that's because this is supposed to be a highway, she enlightened me. Dust is in my eyes and nose. If I mastered anything during my four stays in
Anyway, we pass a Muslim wedding, where we don't go, because Florina explains to me that I could only give well wishes to the bride. The groom is kept separate. They will meet tonight. In the bedroom. For the first time. Oy vey. I remind myself to thank heavens for my good fortunes every day.
We get to the "hotel" – which is a shack on the side of a road. That's what they're called. Tonight they have biryani or roti with curry chicken and/or chicken tandoori. So easy. No need to crack one's brain with what to pick from the menu. The place is dimly lit, metal tables have been wiped, that's obvious. What were they wiped with though is not. I don't wanna know. Two girls out alone, one of them white as a wall - we call attention of all the men around. No women anywhere in sight. And I see far. Food arrives on metal plates covered with newspapers. Rajeshwari Jewelry House is the best around, it announces. Talking to Florina I notice a decent sized cockroach on the wall behind her. I wish I didn't. Soon enough a small one comes to greet our roti on the table. Waah. My street-smart and worldly composure is tatam, as we Slovaks say (literally translated as "thethere" or "gogone". Don't ask). I cannot talk or listen, I see and imagine them everywhere. Turns out that what I first perceived as patterns on the walls were all cockroaches. Within seconds everything on me itches and chicken tastes fuzzy as if I had million hairy cockroach legs in my mouth. Collecting last bits of dignity I employ all my remaining concentration on maintaining some sort of a sane facial expression. I'm aiming hard to appear casual and in good spirits, but it's a real stretch. I pull out stories about touring Gypsy villages in
After the lovely meal we get a sweet paan– beetle nut and coconut and cherry and whatnot wrapped in a beetle leaf. I never liked them too much, but I'll take anything to keep my mind busy. We walk home, most casually of course. After I say goodnight to Florina I high-tail it to my room, get two buckets that are there and go fetch warm water (there's only cold in the faucets and the weather is cold now. Well, cold for a cold shower that is) and give myself a good scrub. That's the kind of a heroine I am. Somewhere in the distance, a dog howled. (Many, actually. And there are sirens. What the BLEEP is going on?! O`1h well, time to go to bed.)
Fat bastard, little dog, and civic action
Repost from elsewhere...
It is hard to leave New York. I was determined to get on the bus at 6pm. But spending the afternoon at MoMa with Michaela, I lingered. From 6 became 7, then we made dinner out of it, with more friends.
Finally I got to Port Authority at 10pm, joining the red, white, and blue snake of people baseball-hatted with Red Sox hats. Damn, nobody informed me that Red Sox played the Yankees today, which means half of Boston is trying to get back along with me. A little frog-eyed pug was prancing up and down, panting, looking up at everybody with his puggly eyes. We wait. And we wait. Apparently one bus has come and gone, we are the leftovers that have to wait for an extra bus to be sent.
After about an hour of waiting, it comes. We stuff ourselves on the bus like sardines, and resume waiting. We wait ten minutes, twenty, nothing happens. Suddenly the bus terminal security comes and inquires after a "dog in a plastic bag". Apparently someone complained about a dog on board. A young girl steps forth with the little pug, who is fortunately not at all in a plastic bag. They take her off the bus. Bus is murmuring with disapproval. My neighbor, a young slim woman but with a voice of a hurricane, stands up, pointing at a big grouchy man with thick glasses.
"It was him. He complained. The girl just spent her last money on the ticket and now she'll be stuck in New York because of the fat jerk. The dog couldn't have bothered him, he was at the back of a bus, in a bag!
A young man assumed a role of a negotiator. Any way we could accommodate both? If you sit in the front and the girl with the dog in the back? No. The fat man wouldn't have it. He's allergic, and we should all leave him alone. He won't have the dog on board. More people pitched in with persuading and commenting. The jerk proceeds to insult everyone. All my inclinations to reconcile the masses went down the drain when he referred to the Rutgers basketball team in connection with my neighbor. I was perfectly willing to let anyone shred him to pieces then.
"Wait what I'll do to you when we get off the bus in Boston!" said the fat jerk to the negotiator.
"Are you threatening me, sir? Did everyone hear that?"
"Yeah! We all heard him, get him off the bus!" bus roars.
Negotiator went to get the security. By now the bus is two hours late. Security comes back and asks the man to step off the bus. He won't. We are asked whether we want to proceed to Boston with him, since we're so late already, or call 911.
"Call 911! I don't feel safe with a racist on board!" someone exclaims.
I try to convince the jerk that it's not worth his or our time to be holding everyone up, but he won't budge. "It's a matter of principle!" he exclaims. I roll my eyes, and step outside for a smoke. Finally the police comes and they drag him out during wild cheering of the bus.
In the meantime, the girl with the pug was displaced. A group of volunteers sets off in search of her. When they emerge victoriously, holding the pug up above their heads, his feet sticking up in the air stiffly, another round of hollering ensues. Finally we start for Boston. We'll get there around 4am. Ack. As I drift to sleep, the negotiator is passing around his phone number. He's having a barbecue tomorrow, and wants the whole bus to be there. I have to do this Greyhound thing more often. There sure is more action than in the last James Bond movie.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Happy Goat on skis
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Back in the hood.
Thus I'm back to this hollow willow (another Slovakism, I imagine. You figure it out, use some cross-cultural imagination), because "writing so as not to die or perhaps even speaking so as not to die, is a task undoubtedly as old as the word itself."
I've no news of import. I got engaged and disengaged, got a job for which I'll be moving to The Hague, wrote some chapters for some books, played in few theatre plays, nothing out of the ordinary. Just marking my territory here after the winter sleep.